We just survived another weekend with all six kids. I use the word survived on purpose. Each day, week, month that we get through I consider an achievement. My husband says to relax and see how many moments are filled with joy. I do see them, and I know that he is right. But somehow he is impervious to the moments that are filled with grief. I see those too. This weekend was an absolute blending of both.
We spend part of the weekend do projects around the house. During that time, I shared some wonderful, precious moments with my youngest bonus daughter, the 6-year old. She let me read to her – three books – in fact some of my son’s favorites when he was about her age. She watched with joy and wonderment as I sewed some curtains for the bedroom – intrigued with what I was doing, helping wherever I let her. Yes, it was a great bonding weekend for us. We felt very much like – well, like family.
But in the very same day as we had those magical moments, she shared her deepest thoughts and feelings with me. She told me the wishes of her heart and she expressed her disappointment at the fact that those wishes did not come true. What were those wishes you ask? Well, she wished that it would always just be her, two sisters and her two brothers and that nobody else would ever come into her family. Can’t blame her for telling me – six year olds don’t really have the same filter as adults. And I suppose in some odd way, I should feel grateful that she felt close enough to me to share her heart’s desire. And yet, a small part of my heart broke when she told me. Somehow made all the harder based on the fact that we had had a wonderful day together. If we had fought and bickered all day then who could blame her for wishing us out of her family. But knowing that we had a great day together, sharing wonderful moments, with lots of quality time somehow made the admission even worse. I suppose it struck a blow because I had somehow wished that the day spent together had made her realize that I and my son could bring value and good things to her world. I still hold out hope that some years from now she will recognize that, but I am also painfully aware of the fact that the payoff is not in my (or her) immediate future.